04/22/23

Curiosity Without Insecurity

notes on “cringe”, shame, and asking for what you want

Today, a friend asked me what my answer would be if I were to list my greatest strengths and weaknesses in a job interview. 

I told him my strength is that I usually have zero shame in asking for what I want.
My weakness is that I have a bit of “shiny-object-syndrome”. 

What I want to talk about today is: shame

Young people today have such shame in just existing. I understand it is likely a result of sociocultural and historical factors related to constant passive surveillance on social media (validation from others), collective trauma, and stigma. 

I’ve talked about this idea of “being cringe” and shame before – feeling cringey about yourself, or making others feel cringe. I wrote about it in Consistency and The Ramanujan Theory of Genius.

I realize that “cringe” is insecurity in disguise, rooted in feelings of shame. 

Now, I am not here to be your therapist. But *my* therapist in this situation would say something along the lines of, “instead of cringe, let’s be curious”. And when she says that, she is implying to let go of judgment around the feeling so we can get to the root of the issue. When I adopt this perspective, I instantly become present. I stop trying to fix myself or others, and just observe. But most importantly, I start to feel empathy and compassion toward myself and others. 

Why is doing what you want cringe? Why should you be shameful about “posting”? Why is it cringe to ask for what you want? 

I think people feel cringe / shameful / afraid of doing / afraid of asking because often they are afraid of receiving. They are afraid of “how they will look” if they do x or ask for y. This fear of how they will be perceived by others creates a cycle of shame and self-doubt that can be difficult to break. 

It is important to remember that everyone experiences moments of vulnerability and uncertainty, and it is okay to ask for help or take risks. It is also important to remember that the opinions of others do not define your value as a person. 

Essentially, my philosophy is that whether something is cringe or not depends entirely on your perception. Or said more bluntly, it’s only cringe if you think it’s cringe. Nobody is thinking about you. Especially not about your following to follower ratio on instagram.

I also want to talk about this narrative some people have often, that they have to “earn” everything the hard way, which, fair, but it is also okay to believe that you deserve something.

Some others believe that they have to follow a specific rigid pathway to get to where they want. They have to follow all of the rules. But guess what? There are no rules. At all. If I’d followed the rules, I’d be in my DPhil right now that I knew I was not aligned with, just because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do to get to exactly where I am now. 

Joy requires doing things without shame, which in turn demands curiosity without insecurity. 

Be curious, not cringe. 
There are no rules. 
The worst is you learn something. The best is you get what you want. 
We live on a floating rock with no user manual. 
Ask for what you deserve. 
Just do it scared.

If you liked reading this, you’d likely enjoy the following essays that are a lot more eloquent than mine: 

Why is asking so hard? by Isabel 
I’m so far behind! by Heather Havrilesky
I want to be Hannah Montana! by Heather Havrilesky

This essay is 22/50 of my 50 days of learning. Subscribe to hear about new posts.