05/22/2023

Kinder, Küche, Kirche

you’re a woman with a man inside watching a woman

Kinder, Küche, Kirche, or the 3 Ks, is a German slogan translated as "children, kitchen, church" used under the German Empire to describe a woman's role in society. It now has a mostly derogatory connotation, describing what is seen as an antiquated female role model in contemporary Western society – “a woman’s place is in the home”. 

I came across this phrase again while watching a powerful scene in Succession S4E9 over the weekend, which ended up inspiring this piece. The scene comprises an ambitious woman (Siobhan Roy) trying to get a powerful position at her Dad’s company in a male-dominated family (and world), and when she dares to speak, she is met with a sexist German phrase, likely due to her visible pregnant state. 

“You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.”
— Margaret Atwood, The Robber Bride

I’ve recently engaged with older women who seem to have a deeply negative self-perception, who consistently are insecure both about their internal abilities and external beauty. They’re smart and beautiful, but they’ve internalized that those labels exist in a binary. Their behaviour tends to include constant deprecation of themselves and/or other women.

Because they’re smart, they know that everything is a mirror, that their extrinsic feelings are rooted in self-perception, that their interactions with others reflect aspects of themselves. 

They know that this is a result of what seems like inherent internalized misogyny arising from the pervasive influence of patriarchal structures and systems. 

But do they feel the ‘why’?

Speaking from a cis-het normative context––

At a little soirée a couple of weekends ago, some of my girl-friends were talking about the struggle in their quest for male partners who possess a profound sense of emotional intelligence. Traditional gender roles, societal norms, and cultural expectations shape our understanding of masculinity and emotional expression. I see a persistent pattern of socialization that encourages men to suppress or downplay their emotions. 

A ton of smart women I know seem to not be able to find a partner who brings a wealth of self-work, inner discovery, and introspection to the table. They long for counterparts who are not only in touch with their own emotions, but who also possess the capacity to navigate and communicate their feelings effectively. 

There is a commonly held belief that the dating pool for women inversely shrinks as their intelligence and accomplishments increase. 

The greatest of men seem to want a woman to fulfill the role they project on to her presence in their story. Women tend to want a counterpart. 

During a recent outdoor dinner gathering, I found myself in the company of a married couple. As the evening progressed and the temperature dropped, the husband subtly expressed his discomfort due to the cold. In a thoughtful gesture, the dinner host offered his jacket to alleviate the husband’s chilliness. 

The husband responded with a quip, “I’m cold, but not cold enough to wear another man’s jacket”. 

Two days ago, I had the pleasure of dining at my favourite Thai restaurant in the company of a dear friend who happens to be a white woman. Opting for the same meal, the only distinction being my vegetarian preference, we eagerly delved in. 

Halfway through our meal, a pair of elderly white women approached our table. Directed solely at my friend, they inquired about her selection – the main course, the side dish, and her chosen beverage. It was a curious exchange, for our plates mirrored each other in every aspect. Not daring to make eye contact with me, they abruptly left, leaving us to conclude the remainder of our meal in silence.

I am not the first person to tell these stories. I also do not have a novel take on these stories. 

These snippets are from the past two weeks of my life. I wrote them because I want them to serve as a time capsule of my life at this time in society.

I think my older self will want to remember and share what it was like to live in my body at my current age in this country in the current year. 

Connecting with my younger self always helps me better understand who I am and where I come from. So this is a gift to future Aishwarya. 

———

I’ll end with a quote from one of my favourite books, which happens to have been written by my favourite professor who taught me in my last semester of undergrad, and probably changed the trajectory of my life. She made me feel like I could write.

“But your fear is not only hurting me, it's hurting you, limiting you from being everything you could be. Consider how often you have dismissed your own appearance, behaviours, emotions, and aspirations for being too feminine or masculine. What might your life be if you didn't impose these designations on yourself, let alone on me?”

― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men

This exploration is 43/50 of my 50 days of learning. Subscribe to hear about new posts.